Cancer .... Again SO Soon?!?!?!
Yesterday was my mother's 3 month follow up Brain MRI and CT scan. At her last scan, on December 22, 2014 we were told she was in remission! What a wonderful Christmas present that was to her and all of us!!! From May 2014 to December 2014 was a whirlwind of tests, diagnosis, surgery, chemo and then remission! It was a great way to start the 2015 year!
My mother had no symptoms of lung cancer - none. She had been a smoker for most of her adult life and she was 61 years old when she received her diagnosis. It was no surprise that she had a spot on her lung after she opted to do a CT scan at KC North Hospital last May during a program that offered $75 CT scans. The plan was to have lung surgery to remove that lobe of her lung and go from there. She had a PET scan done to check for any other cancers in her body and that was negative. The next news we received was shocking though. A spot in the brain? A brain tumor?! What?! How?! So, just like that - stage 4 lung cancer. She had Gamma Knife done for her brain tumor and surgery to remove the left upper lobe of her lung. That was quite a recovery - especially for someone who had been healthy her entire life. She recovered well and then had her port put in for chemotherapy to start.
Chemotherapy?! I remember how upset she was that she was going to have to have chemo - and I was too thinking back. It made sense though, kill all the microscopic cancer cells in her body before they have a chance to grow and become a tumor. Our first day at chemo was scary and also relieving. Methodist Estabrook Cancer Center is set up with a open chemo room, so we immediately were greeted by others going through chemotherapy. They quickly reached out to us and made us feel comfortable - especially my mom and that was the most important. As the weeks went on (she had 5 rounds of chemo lasting 15 total weeks) it was something we looked forward to. Every Monday we got to see our new friends. Something my mother said was that she didn't know any of their past and she didn't care - they were with her now and got her on a level no one else could. That kind of bond is very very special. Not only did they take her in, but they took my dad and I in too! We call them our chemo family and that's exactly what they are. Even after treatment we have made it a point to go out to lunch one time a month to catch up and see each other (outside of the chemo room too) and that has been a success in growing our relationships. I say "our" like I am one of them, but I know I'm not. I've not gone through what they've gone through, and I honestly hope I never have to. I am a daughter though and I think they like having that representation around. I am so fortunate that I have been able to attend all the appointments with my mother. (Big Thank You to my husband for working so hard!)
Yesterday though ... that was a routine follow up. Her chest CT scan looked good, but we were completely unprepared for the news we got next. 6 new spots in her brain.
What?
6?!?!?!
It was like a punch to the gut followed by a giant leg drop by a WWE champion. It literally took the wind out of me.
Are you sure?! She's been doing SO well!! She just got back 3 days ago from moving my brother back from Texas and she feels good!
I told her radiation oncologist I wanted to see them. Thinking / HOPING he miss-saw them or made a mistake or saw someone else's scans instead of hers! My mom can't have developed 6 brain tumors in 3 months, and certainly I would have noticed if she had!! Shit, yep - I see that one. Yep, another one. Are you sure that's one? Another dotted arrow pointing to another one ... and another. I think one of the tumors he counted as two, but who really cares. They are scattered all over - which means full brain radiation is the recommendation.
F-WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T LOSE MY MOM!!!!! This isn't happening!!! Fight back tears, fight back tears!
I looked at her to try and gauge how she's taking the news and she looked to be in a state of shock and trying to keep it together for me. So, we both kept it together for each other. (Wonder where I learned that from) I immediately text my sister, my dad and my husband. Her RO started explaining the next step in treatment and how they go about making the mask for full brain radiation to protect her face. Treatment would last about 10 minutes for 15 sessions (Mon-Fri for 3 weeks). He also ordered a PET scan to check the rest of her body. Ugh, why is this happening so soon!
We left and talked about it and joked about it. It is what it is, we cannot change it or control it and it obviously came back. She's a FIGHTER and she will pull through this with more strength and no hair. (Sorry, I had to mom <3)
Check back for updates in this crazy battle of cancer from a daughter's prospective.
FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 2015
Last night Allie woke up at 4:00am from a nightmare … after 30 minutes of trying to figure out what was going on with her she told me that Maleficent was in her bedroom. She refused to go to sleep in her room and had to go downstairs. I thought back to nightmares I had as a child and there are two in particular that stand out to me. One was after I watched the movie “Jaws” with my dad (and my mom protested about it) and the other was after I watched the movie “Aliens”. After both, my mom was there for me offering support, love and great suggestions of happy thoughts so I could fall back asleep in the middle of the night. When I was getting frustrated with Allie in the wee hours of the night because I was really frustrated with myself because I couldn’t figure out what was going on with her, I reflected back on those fond memories - not of the nightmares, but of my mother calm and lovingly helping me through those times.
My mother has actually been there to help me through every great and difficult time in my life - at some level. As a child she was IT and as a teenager I turned to other peers for their support - always knowing my mother was there if I needed her. As a young adult I started to develop a deeper relationship with my mom and by the age of 21 I was very close with her. She has been there for every move, every job interview, every bad day at work or school, every legitimate exciting time in my life, every break up and she’s put back the pieces always giving me pure and genuine love and her time, my proposal - my husband called her from the airport before he did it and ran ideas by her, my wedding, the birth of both of my children and SO SO many more things I can’t even recall right now. That is the thing about my mom - she is the most selfless person I’ve ever known, the most honest woman (even when I didn’t understand why she wasn’t friends with my friend’s moms - I understand now that they weren’t her crowd) and genuinely who she is. What you see is what you get!
I thought I had bad days in my life … today might be the worst day thus far. My heart is broken. On Monday we found out that she has 6 new tumors in her brain after a routine 3 month check up. I keep replaying it in my head WHAT?!?! 6 NEW TUMORS IN 3 MONTHS?!?! I didn’t know her cancer was that aggressive! I mean, that’s really aggressive, isn’t it?! I knew it, but I was also in denial Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and then finally today after her PET scan Natalie asked me how I was doing with her prognosis, I hadn’t really given it much thought. Her RO told her to live her life for the now and she told him that she wanted to see my sister graduate from medical school. He asked when that was and she told him 2 years and he didn’t seem to discourage that in my mind, so maybe that gave me hope. Of course, he didn’t offer any form of commitment to the longevity of her life, but he shared several hopeful stories and not any tragically sad ones - as he is supposed to do. After talking to Natalie it was confirmed that IF we get a year more with her that would be AH-MAZING!!! NOOOOOOO, THIS CANNOT BE REAL!!! Immediately I thought of all of the things she will miss: Natalie graduating from medical school, Natalie getting married, Kyle getting married, Natalie and Kyle moving into their first homes, having children, their careers, if we having any other children, Allie & Lanie’s first dance recitals, days of school, softball games, birthday parties, to be there for them when they hate me for setting boundaries, to even have my girls remember her and how much they loved her without me having to tell them and for them to actually remember how much she loves them. My grandma - her mother died at the age of 62 of lung cancer … my mom turned 62 in January. I was 6 when my grandma died - I don’t remember her much. I don’t remember really loving her or her loving me (even though I’m sure I did and I’m sure she did). My first memories in my life don’t register before the age of 3.5. I want my girls to KNOW their grandma - not from pictures and videos - KNOW HER! They probably won’t. A few weeks ago we went to Tampa for Wink’s cousin's wedding and my mom dropped us off at the airport very early in the morning and picked us up when we got back. My favorite memory of that trip wasn’t the trip at all - even though that sounds bad. It was when we got back and Allie and I walked out to go to the car when she arrived and Allie RAN FULL SPEED (wearing the princess nightgown my mom gave her for Christmas) past several people, for several yard right into my mom’s arms with the biggest smile on her face. My heart melted! It was one of those moments that is so special to only the people who were there, but I want that for her and Lanie and I want many more of those for my kids - selfish I know.
The hardest part so far … well, there are two things. One, I haven’t felt angry about the fact that she continued to smoke for 20-some years after her mother died of lung cancer - despite our best efforts as children to get her to quit smoking. I felt that today though. Being a mother, I can’t imagine putting my children through pain like the loss of a parent at their own demise. Addiction is so strong though, I know that - that’s my specialization. I would never tell her I feel this way though because I know she already beats herself up enough over it. I am very proud that she quit smoking, but it seems it was too late.
I know I have a negative perspective on this today, but I am working through all of my emotions because I don't want to suppress any of them for fear they will come out someway - wrong time and place.
The second reason this is so hard is because throughout my entire life my mom has always been the person I lean on when I am going through a very difficult time. That’s not an option now though. Some of this I will have to work through by myself, some of it with my sister and brother and dad, some with other family members, some with friends, some with my wonderful babies, some with God, some with that shitty thing in grief called healing over time and some in ways I’m not even aware of right now. I refuse to do or say anything that will hurt my mom, and me hurting like this over her is something she cannot deal with right now. I will be her rock and be positive and supportive, like she’s done for me these past 31 years - I have to be.
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